Did I think about how my career would change when I had kids? I did not. Would it have changed my mind even if I knew? Probably not. But I would have never guessed that having kids would actually accelerate my career in so many ways. You learn to ruthlessly prioritize your time at work, stop getting distracted by things that don't matter, and feel more fulfilled and motivated every day.
It's the complete opposite of what most people think kids do to a 40-year career. Yes, you have less free time now when you can roam aimlessly or go to a coffee shop to scroll your phone or read a book, but were you using your free time productively before kids? I know I didn't, because I took it for granted and simply wasted the free time I had in a day. Now every 10–15 minutes of free time you get feels like real me time, and you want to be intentional about how you spend it.
Here are some curious and surprising facts about you and your career after having kids:
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There is a new, almost endless positive force that gives you energy to do things instead of being lazy. It shows up everywhere in your life, including at work, where you feel more energized overall. Kids give you an external and almost never fading stimulus that no modern drug can match.
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You become more health conscious because you want to extend your health and lifespan to spend more time with your kids.
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You become a true adult after having kids, and many of the stresses you once had at work don't bother you anymore, because you are so used to the ups and downs of parenting that nothing work related really scares you.
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You become much more empathetic with coworkers who have kids, because you truly get them. You understand what they are going through, and it creates an instant connection, especially with parents who have kids around the same age as you.
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7–8 hours of work time is work time now. You don't do anything outside of work, which makes you more focused on what truly matters. You spend more time thinking about what you should be working on and don't take on projects that don't really matter.
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As much as I loved my work and still do what I do, it always felt like it was my life, and I strongly identified with it. Now I am not my work, and I truly love this part. My life is me and my family. My kids are my life, and work exists to support the life I want to live.
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This does not mean I don't work hard anymore. In fact, I work harder, because work is the only professional commitment I make. I go all in, instead of doing half side projects in my free time. It took me time to realize that it is financially and mentally better for me to fully focus and engage with my work. When I am all in, I work better, engage more, and the returns, including the financial upside, are higher.
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Vacations are now real vacations. You don't really get time to do any work or think about work, and you don't want to. You want to stay present with your family and your kids. This clears your mind and refreshes you, making you more excited about work after the vacation. Before kids, my vacations were mostly about side projects and reading books about technology and programming.
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You develop a strong desire to move away from non fiction to the fictional world of books, and it is beautiful. You need a way to rest your body and mind at the end of the day, and novels do this best. I don't know what it is about them, but they help you calm down and appreciate human nature, the world, and the people around you. I'm currently reading Jane Eyre, and it's outstanding.
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Before kids, I ignored fiction, thinking it was not essential and a waste of time, and I read only non fiction. Now I gravitate toward books that take me into worlds of human adventures and psychology, or into virtual, non existent worlds where I can be alone with my thoughts. It relaxes me.
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Do you ever reminisce about the things you did when you were a child? If you do, you now truly have the opportunity to live them again through the eyes of your kids. Your first airplane flight, your first Christmas, your parents cooking and having friends over for birthdays and holidays. Now it's you creating those magical moments for your kids. You have the chance to shape their memories as they grow up, and in a way, you become their memories. I know it sounds a bit bittersweet, but it's true.
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Now I try to live my life by asking how I can make today a fun and meaningful experience for my kids. Not every day feels like this, of course, but this idea motivates me and reminds me to live by a simple principle: optimize for happiness and experience.
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Having kids changes the chemistry of your brain and makes you a more responsible person with a strong sense of ownership. I think this is how our brains evolved from early hunter gatherer days, so we could take care of our families and not starve them. This sense of responsibility and ownership shows up almost everywhere in your life, including your career and your work. It helps you demonstrate these skills at the highest level possible. I think these are what we call soft skills, and they form the foundation of being a leader in an organization.
These are some of the things I have observed from my personal experience of having two small kids, but of course having kids comes with challenges. There are days when I am so physically tired that I feel like I could sleep standing up, and it can take a couple of days to recover. You don't always get restful sleep at night, and that doesn't help with recovery. This means the next day you can feel sleepy or tired while working.
The good thing is that our bodies are very good at adjusting to a new normal. Over time, it becomes a natural response, and waking up multiple times at night no longer feels like a scary or terrible thing.
So if you are someone who is thinking about having kids while being in the middle of career growth, don't be discouraged. Having kids is a net positive for your career, not a negative. Having kids is one of the best things that can happen to anyone who seeks life fulfillment, endless love, and joyful days.